For over 3 months now, I've been a member of an increasingly less elite society known as The Unemployed.  "On the Dole"; "Working for the State"; "Working as a Job Market Analyst", "Protecting the Couch".  Anyway you say it, the reality is the same.  To be perfectly honest, I did not expect this 'status' to last this long.  I assumed, ignorantly, that I'd be back to drinking free coffee in a couple of months....tops.  However, I'm a firm believer that any situation, no matter how depressing or dire, is not entirely bad as long as you can walk away from it having learned something from the experience.  These don't necessarily have to be life lessons or cornerstones of knowledge.  Sometimes simple, trivial lessons will stay with you just as long as the life changers.  And so, I'm happy to report, that in these less than ideal 3 months, I've learned a thing or two about a thing or two that I thought I'd share with all of my faithful followers.  Both of you.

Lesson 1:  Jesus Is Not Circumcised
Is this guy the worst Jew in in the world, or what?  It's true.  Last week I took a day off from interviewing and submitting resumes to visit the Metropolitan Museum of Art.  And while I may in fact be the least religious person you'll ever meet, I was really impressed with the collection of religious-themed art at the museum.  From oil paintings by Jacopo Palma, Hendrick ter Brugghen, Gerard David, and Georges de la Tourto, to drawings and frescos by Giolfino and Ghirlandaio, to a variety of sculptures capturing Jesus in various stages of life, I was really impressed not only by the pieces themselves but by the sheer influence of religion on the artists.  But in all of the pieces, one thing was constant....Jesus' "piece".  In those that had the audacity to feature the holy rod, Jesus was uncircumcised.  Which begs the question, when the Three Wise Men journeyed long days and nights across a desert to visit the boy child, what the hell was the mohel doing that was so important?  I mean, wouldn't this be the schmuck of all schmucks to have on your mantle?  The schmuck of schmucks from the king of kings.  (A 'schmuck', by the way, is Yiddish for the clipped great is that?).  There was only a handful of paintings showing Jesus'...handful.  Most were of him as a baby w/ Mary.  But they all showed an intact and unmanipulated...holy turtleneck.  I found it interesting that images of a nude Jesus were ever commissioned, esteemed, and widely regarded as acceptable.  I myself have no problem with them, but in today's world, wouldn't the typical conservative religious zealot condemn an artist who had the gall to create a piece of art showing this side of Jesus?  Well, maybe not if it was a baby Jesus.  Explain that one.  At some point we've actually grown more conservative as a society, in regards to showcasing and admiring the nude figure.  More conservative than the days of crucifixions and inquisitions.

But back to my point.  Jesus, or more accurately, Mary and Joseph were terrible Jews.  The uncircumcised King of the Jews.  And if you look closely at DaVinci's Last Supper, you'll see that Jesus and his disciples are dining on a meal of shrimp cocktail and baked Virginia ham.  SINNER!!!!

Lesson 2:  Drew Carey Is On Celebrity Death Watch
I have spent enough time at home these days to confirm that this country is severely lacking in any decent daytime game shows.  That was always one of the best parts of staying home from school for me, after feigning a mysterious illness.  I would have a seemingly unlimited selection of game shows to watch: Card Sharks, Sale of the Century, Tic-Tac-Dough, Scrabble, Win Lose or Draw, Classic Concentration, The Joker's Wild.  So many great shows have now been replaced with Maury's daily paternity test, countless "Judge X" shows, and a variety of talk shows whose hosts have no qualifications to be doling out advice: medical, relationship, financial, or otherwise.  (PS - Have you seen this Wendy Williams?  What the fuck kind of head is that?  She looks like RuPaul and Skelator had an annoying, large-breasted, big-mouthed child.  Or the love child of Dionne Warwick and a kabuki mask).  And now the only daytime game shows are The Price Is Right with Drew Carey, which is just as monotonous and annoying a show as the original, with Drew Carey clearly depressed, phoning it in, and on the verge of a "Ray Combs".  And Let's Make A Deal, with the remarkably unfunny Wayne Brady whose 'Whose Line Is It Anyway?' heyday has clearly left him jaded and wondering how he can work an improvised song into any project to receive even a brief taste of those applause which used to come so easily.

Lesson 3:  Girls Have A Wenus
My lovely bride recently informed me that the little patch of Silly Putty on your elbow is called a 'wenus' which rhymes with...Jesus' unclipped member.  This lesson has nothing to do with my time on unemployment, it just happened to coincide with this stage in life.  Either way, I thought it was important enough to share.  Since laying this wisdom on me, Lindsey has taken to often pulling and playing with my wenus in public.  At which point I typically and enthusiastically tell her to "stop touching my wenus" at full volume.  Sometimes, public embarrassment is the best way to teach someone that it's not ok to touch your wenus.  No means no, you dirty wenus touchers.

Lesson 4: I Have Stuff To Talk About
Late into this 3 month employment challenge, I created this website and Blahg.  And while it's still gaining followers and finding its purpose, I am very appreciative to everyone who is reading and checking-in and commenting on its various components.  I'm glad to have found an outlet and reason to collect my thoughts and opinions and share them with everyone willing to read.  So, thank you for stopping by once and while.  Thanks for sending me your words of encouragement.  And thanks for being patient with me when I lapse on updating the Blahgs, Recommendations, and other yet-to-be-completed sections.  (FYI - I plan to work on the Food section this weekend...check back soon!)  My intent is to post new Blahgs at least once a week, but hopefully that will often be twice a week or more.

Thanks for checking in.  But now, I must log-off and resume playing with my wenus.

If any of this content offended you...I don't care.
Blah, Blah, Blahg!
2/8/2010 09:30:52 pm

You used the word "fresco" in a sentance...on purpose.

The Blahger
2/11/2010 06:24:47 am

I sure did. My reading public demands honesty, accuracy, and integrity. When I see a fresco, I'll damn well be upfront about that. And when I see you next, I'll use the word 'douche bag'...on purpose.

2/15/2010 01:39:27 am

That is if you don't try to bugger me first. Use of the word fresco should come with a rainbow flag and a dvd copy of Brokeback Mountain.

P.S. I still maintain the Brokeback is the best love story/tragedy that I have ever seen and should have won best picture.

2/22/2010 04:52:17 am

I was just telling my Mum about your wenus and I was almost crying with laughter - my Mum said "people can write that stuff?" - I said "Mum - what's dirty about wenus", what a delicious word - thank Lindsey for me.


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